WHY DID I GET INVOLVED?

Why did I get involved? It’s crazy how things happen, unexpected situations that you never see coming. There I was minding my own business and out of nowhere you show up. At first I was excited, happy that you had returned but for how long?  My world was being rocked as if I were in a never ending earthquake.  I had finally come to the conclusion to break free from something I no longer wanted to be a part of and here you come. I never saw it coming nor did I expect to fall as hard and as fast, this is just crazy!

I look back and remember the first encounter we had and although I was already involved with someone, a voice spoke to me and said, “This is what you’ve been praying for”.  The first meeting, I was in awe of you but then after speaking with you I had decided it would be another physical and unfulfilling situation. Just for the sake of filling a void, you know that emotional gratification. Right when I thought something was about to get started, you disappeared and nothing came of it; but then some time later you returned. Why did you call ME of all people, what lesson am I supposed to learn from this? What game is about to be played? Am I about to get caught up again? What kind of tangled web will this be? All these questions going through my mind and being the curious type, I decided to go along for the ride.

Conversations started happening more frequently and then one day the inevitable happened. It was the most powerful thing I had ever encountered in my life! I felt like Stella, exhaling for the first time that feeling of heaviness being pulled out of me. Problem, I am still making my declaration of getting out of something but I’ve not taken any action. Yep, you guessed it, I am of two minds. My mind is so unclear and trying to figure out what in the world is really going on? I’m currently tripping because I cannot seem to get a grip on the fact that you are here and you are paying attention to me. You know I questioned your motives and what exactly did you really have in mind.  I continued to entertain whatever this thing was because honestly, I like it and moreover, you are the most beautiful and sexiest creature I have ever seen.

Now I am not a fan of going out into the Abyss but yet I can’t help being drawn to something that feels so right. Like literally, it was like I had an imaginary rope tied around my waist and I was being pulled by something or someone that I couldn’t see. Trust being a current road block and I knew it was definitely being sensed yet my intuition was kicking in and I start to see things for what they are. Self-sabotage happening because I am fighting what I know against what I am not ready to face. Yes there are feelings, sure I’m really digging you but is that really enough? Just where could this possibly lead knowing the situation I am in and me looking like I don’t know which way is up or down. So many questions and not enough answers.

Conversations that need to be had and nothing being said. Things moving slowly and it’s so damn agonizing. My nature is to rush in like a huge wave crashing against the rocks. My emotions are running rampant let’s not even speak on balance, I have none!  My heart feeling like it’s about to be torn to pieces and my mind playing tricks on me as this thing is getting deeper.  If the soul had a cellar that is where you would find everything I had stored now being pulled out and exposed.

Why did you come to me, why did you feel the need to reach the depths of my soul and pull out that part of me that I felt no longer existed? Why did you encourage those true feelings and emotions to emerge? Look what you’ve done to me. I wasn’t ready for this to happen, I’m still trying to close out a cycle in my life that is trying so hard to remain open. I feel like I’m walking around in a maze even though I see the exit. Slow down, stay focused it’s easier said than done but one thing has never failed me so I stay in constant prayer that I’ve truly met the “One”. Sure I’ve been wrong before and the fear of being wrong again is like an open wound that won’t heal. Constantly asking for confirmation and yet again, I’m being shown time and time again. Why am I so blind? Why can’t I trust what I already know? So use to being let down, hurt, disappointed until I no longer get excited or allow my hopes to get so high. Oh, please tell me WHY did you come for me, who told you to call on me?

Regaining my strength, reminders of what I’ve been through and where I’m headed are shown to me. Trying to make sure that I remain in the here and now, this is not a delusional dream that leads to nowhere. My heart dangling by a thread and praying that when I jump off this cliff someone please be there to catch me. That’s not what happened, instead I was pushed off the cliff and I had to catch myself. I had to find me in the midst of what was starting to unfold right before my very eyes. Something new and exhilarating and all I had to do was get out of my head and trust the process.  Whatever doubts that I had were now removed, what was once confusion was now clear and I found my way out of that blasted maze. I was standing on my own two feet and the most wonderful thing came to me once I finally let go of what no longer served me.

Why did you call on me? Why did I allow myself to get entangled in this thing that has no name? The answer to those questions is held in the hands of He who designs our paths, He who is the Architect of our lives. We pray for things to happen not quite sure when or how it will happen but the truth and fact of the matter are, it will happen. We can easily miss it if we are looking so hard and our focus is not where it needs to be on just plain living. Sometimes we have to remember to keep smelling those roses no matter hard it may be because the blessings we receive come when we least expect them.

I’ve come to an understanding that no matter the outcome, I will be alright. I have regained my strength and my confidence is simply awesome.  I’m a fool for love and giving love and that is something that will never change. Love isn’t complicated; it’s the people that make it complicated. The most beautiful lesson learned is remaining true to who I am. We become our own worst enemies all because of that thing called “Fear.” Whoever says they have no fear, told a lie fact is there are all sorts of fears. Which one is yours? Mine is fear of disappointment and hurt. There is so much at stake when you know something feels so right and it’s in arm’s length yet can feel so far away. Keep your balance and remember you are protected and trust your guide. There is a completion coming no matter the outcome, you will be the VICTORIOUS ONE!

I THOUGHT I WANTED A LOVER

I thought I wanted a Lover, someone who would fulfill the needs that my spouse didn’t, wouldn’t meet. I had it all worked out in my mind of how it would play out and in my mind, it all seemed just fine. One thing I never expected or even planned was for me to fall in love with my Lover. This thing was supposed to be a “Friends with Benefits,” he was only meant to be used for those nights when I wanted sex or just a warm body to be near me. Maybe a phone call or dirty, flirtatious text. What I got in return was something more sweeter and actually very genuine.

Someone once told me that there are three ingredients to a relationship. 1. Communication, 2. Stability and 3. Sex, the most important ingredient of all. I have pondered that for a while now and have come to the conclusion that it’s very possible to have all three. The key in getting them all is having the right person in your life. I believe that we’ve all been taught that there is obvious give and take in a relationship. But what happens when we decide it’s ok to give up one of the three ingredients? IT’S CALLED SETTLING AND CONFORMING! No one should settle or conform or better yet, alter their standards. I only had one of the three and so I made the decision to get the other two from somewhere else. Selfish I know but hey, who’s getting hurt? Something I grew up being told and actually witnessed.

I had my eyes on a certain person. He is definitely the ultimate “Eye Candy” did I mention he was single!?! Now, I knew there was something very different about him which intrigued me all the more. So I made up in my mind that he was the one I wanted. Yes, I loved my spouse at least so I thought but my spouse could really only offer me one out of the three ingredients, stability. I know, most would probably say, “And then why in the hell are you still there?” That’s easy, although selfish as it seems, I had to make sure my financial needs were met. I never considered whether or not my Lover could even meet that feet at the time and let’s just be honest, I had no intentions on anything other than just a good time. All I knew is that I NEEDED communication and sex.

I made my decision to go after my kill. I charmed him with my smile and my playful banter. Every chance I had, I would arouse him with my scent and sensuality. My eyes have always been the center of my attraction so I would occasionally throw out a questionable look that makes one go, “Hhhmm?” To finish off my prey, I would lightly and accidental like brush up against him. My Lover was now quite aware that it was ok for him to approach me when he was ready. This happened the same day with no hesitation. See, my prey isn’t easy. I usually pick the ones that are hard to get and those are the ones that I watch and calculate when it is the right time to make my move.

After I knew I had his attention, I told him that I would need his contact information in case of an emergency. By that I’m sure it’s assumed, he is around me a lot. He obliged and let me know that I could call on him anytime. I read that as, “You can call me even if it’s not an emergency.” We started getting acquainted; it was quite nice and natural. I would find him coming around more frequently. Always a “Good Morning” or a “You look beautiful today.” He was wooing me and I enjoyed it, so much so I started stepping up my appearance. Now I’ve never been too hard on the eyes but I started feeling more alive. Who in the world would have thought me, the Prowess would fall hard!?! One small and detrimental flaw, I am still married and I had no intentions of leaving or giving up my stability.

The tables have turned, I am now weak and he has caught on to my horrible game. He starts pulling away and I am left fighting and begging him to stay. Making empty promises all for what I thought I wanted which was a “Lover.” The realization hits me, it actually consumes me! I don’t want a “Lover!” So many things start to plague me in fact they are haunting  me in my dreams. I am lost, alone, unhappy, miserable and scared. My first true admission was the person staring at me in the mirror, “ME.” The dark side of me had consumed what was once full of light. How was I ever going to find that person again? Another truth set in one that most choose not to speak on but for me, it was now time to face my reality.